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title: In Defense of Useless Skills
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date: 2026-03-28
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layout: column.njk
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tags: column
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permalink: /columns/2026/useless-skills/
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On an unscheduled walk home over the Brooklyn Bridge, I was caught unprepared in a downpour. One of those raw, mid-february rains that left you bitter, tasting nature's indifference to your existence. But maybe I should have just packed a fucking raincoat.
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Stranded, some eight or nine miles from home. I can't recall if I had even bothered to check a bus schedule before I left. But it was New Year's eve, and it snowed that night. So as the year lapsed, I wandered out into the drifts and the driving white storm. On my way through the curiously still wilderness. Did those last hours remember to pass by out there? Or were we forgotten out in the expanse, when the last whispers of warmth succumbed to the stillness. And I shuddered before that void, and every extinguishing gust that swept through me. And I wept, and howled, alone with the wind. The bus ride would have taken 30 minutes
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The sun was lost, faded out beyond a distant ridge. Lowered into that darkness, that unbroken blackness, I blundered and darted to string up my shelter to hold back the encroaching cold. Upon that peak I had cast myself, before me the frost that followed the receding rays, then went the shadow, then the absolute abyss as it swallowed the slope, tracing behind me the path of its phase. From the reach of the ridge, down the one thousand feet to the floor of the valley below, all was filled by the void, then some form taking flight, I had sensed, aloft in the wind. Torn from from its ties, unhinged it plunged down, and I too was consumed by the unrelenting night.
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title: Annual Facilities Satisfaction Survey
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date: 2026-04-10
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layout: column.njk
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tags: column
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permalink: /columns/2026/satisfaction-survey/
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---
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Thank you for volunteering to complete the annual Facilities Satisfaction Survey. We understand that you have a busy schedule, so we appreciate you taking the time to provide your opinion. Each year, we gather your anonymous feedback so that our facilities team can continue to provide you with a comfortable environment that is compatible with your preferred work style and supports you to be your most productive. Filling out this form should take approximately 5-10 minutes. Your progress will be saved automatically, so you can choose to complete the form over multiple sessions if you prefer. When you have finished filling out your responses, please remember to click the submit button at the end of the form. You will not be able to change your responses once you have submitted the form:
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* On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being strongly disagree, 5 being strongly agree, you would say that the quality and variety of snack options at the office is important to you.
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* On the same scale, you would say that safety, and an overall sense of security at the office is important to you.
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* On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being strongly disagree, 5 being strongly agree, you would say that keeping the kitchens stocked with snacks has helped to decrease the number of acts of violence at the office.
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* On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being much less common, 5 being much more common, how would you rate the frequency of violent incidents at the office, since we implemented our new "Global Flavors" seasonal snack selection?
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* On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being definitely not, 5 being definitely yes, how likely are you to commit acts of violence in the kitchenette, cafeteria or other shared culinary spaces when your favorite snack is not in stock?
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* On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being not at all appealing, 5 being very appealing, rate your interest in each snack option:
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1. Fruit (fresh or dried)
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2. Assorted roasted, unsalted nuts
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3. Chips (various flavors)
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4. Breakfast cereals
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5. Turkey jerky
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* On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being strongly opposed, 5 being strongly prefer, rate your affinity toward these supplies when carrying out spontaneous acts of violence at the office:
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1. Paper cups, plates or napkins (compostable or conventional)
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2. Highlighters (assorted colors)
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3. Ergonomic equipment (eg - lumbar support or keyboard tray)
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4. Bathroom air fresheners (citrus or lavender)
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5. Wet umbrella bags
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* On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being strongly disagree, 5 being strongly agree, how would you say that the following message, written on the outside of the communal refrigerator, with ketchup packets, crushed Aspirin and masking tape, reflects your sense of purpose at work? "YoU maDE me dO IT__"
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* On the same scale, you would say that you feel valued for your unique background and perspective that you bring to the office.
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title: WiP - Happy Idiots
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title: Happy Idiots
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date: 2026-04-19
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layout: column.njk
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tags: column
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permalink: /columns/2026/happy-idiots/
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---
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I grew up near a strip of state highway, known locally as our "auto mile." It was so named for its most obvious feature: a pair of enormous parking lots, anchored by dealerships for all the major American car brands, running down along either side. Each time you drove through, it would add a click or so to your odomoter. A Local landmark.
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On the billboards and TV ads, they'd call it the "Auto Mile." It was a strip of state highway, not far from where I lived, sandwiched by two enormous parking lots. Despite being anchored by dealerships for several major American car brands, as a local landmark, it felt pretty weak. It wouldn't even add a click to your odomoter if you drove the length of it.
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Not so many clicks away, along another 'bout-a-mile-long slice of municipal asphalt, some other major American brands (and even a few European ones) were dealing out Christ (and Mary). There was the Catholic church, the Methodist church, the First Baptist church, the (other) Baptist church, the (other) Catholic church, the Episcopal church, the Catholic convent (Sisters of Jesus and Mary), and Sacred Heart (the other, other Catholic Church.) There was also an American Legion (with Sunday Services), and something I initially mistook for a boxing gym, called Victory Bible. Reviewers online praise it for its "ample parking lot."
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But if you turned around instead and drove a couple (proper) miles to yet another strip mall, you'd find all of the churches. Arguably, an even larger, more impressive assembly of major American brands (and even a few imports from Europe.) There was the Catholic church, and the Methodist church. There was the First Baptist church, then the (other) Baptist church, and then the (other) Catholic church. There was the Episcopal church, the Catholic convent (Sisters of Jesus and Mary), and then Sacred Heart (the other, other Catholic Church.) There was the American Legion (with Sunday Services), and something called Victory Bible, which I initially mistook for a boxing gym. Reviewers online praised its "ample parking lot."
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Situated at the literal cross-roads of these two ways was a sprawling outdoor shopping village. So as I saw it, me, not being raised Catholic but Catholic-adjacent, this was the Holy Trinity.
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If you then decided to turn back again towards the car dealerships, you'd soon encounter yet another enormous parking lot situated at the literal cross-roads of these two highways. This one surrounding a sprawling outdoor shopping village. Six lanes of traffic delivered visitors by the thousands. So as I came to see it, being raised staunchly Catholic-adjacent, God, gas prices and credit card interest had to have been the Holy Trinity. And by not being beholden to such spirits, I was about as far from grace as you could get down by exit 38.
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